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Admitting Reactions

I am so grateful for Sunday morning deep spiritual conversations with my mom. Two imperfect humans witnessing and supporting each other through life.

This morning I had a chance to go deeper into vulnerability and admit to my mom that I am catching myself in more moments of judgment and opinion, and learning how to hold myself more gently through the awarenesses.

I am humbled by being human. Even when I see with clarity the patterns, they still happen…sometimes catching me by surprise.

I asked my mom today “Will I ever get to the end of the judgment and reaction?” to which she replied, “I think that is just life.”

This conversation was in response to how I reacted when the host at the restaurant took us off the list for a table because I didn’t see the text sent to my phone. I was sitting right next to the host stand. I was hurt that he didn’t remember my name since we go there every week. And then my mom asked me “Do you remember his name?” I gulped. No.

As uncomfortable as it is, when the host walked by our table a bit later I turned to him and apologized for my earlier reaction. I explained I was hurt because he didn’t remember my name. And then I confessed I had forgotten his. He told me again his name. We experienced forgiveness and understanding that I hope deepened our human connection.

I don’t like to admit my shadows, and I choose to see them and admit they are part of me. I do my best to hold myself with compassion as I admit my shortcomings.

I like being right just as much as everyone, and it is hard to admit when I make mistakes, or have a temporary human shadow moment, and apologize. I still choose to admit it and set things right, however humbling that is.

I choose to keep my heart open, even if that means I may experience more of the pain of this world. The tenderness, vulnerability, and deepening of human connection is worth it to me.

Today I told my mom that I’ve been feeling disappointed as a messenger. I don’t feel I’m making the impact I came here to make, or fulfilling the visions that were sent to me for how I would make that impact to a large number of people. I feel like I’m twiddling my thumbs waiting to be of service. I feel at times a bit useless to help when I’m not being asked to.

My mom asked me if it’s possible that’s just my ego, wanting to be great and powerful and recognized for service to the world.

I admit she could be right. Maybe I’ve wanted that…to be remembered, to be needed. I definitely will do my shadow work on that in the days to come.

Then my mom asked me, “what if your greatest service is the apology you just gave?”

I think she’s right. The demonstration of love is not always a big public act that gets millions of likes on the world stage of humanity.

The demonstration of love is a tiny moment shared between people that comes from the heart and may never be known nor remembered beyond that hour or day.

The healer/messenger often goes unnoticed as she simply does the work of Love where she is, with whom she finds herself. It’s humble and often feels unappreciated beyond her own inner certainty that it made a difference. For one tiny moment, I was the act of love.

Cultivate the capacity to admit when you’ve done something less than stellar, and forge stronger bonds through transparency and vulnerability, with Inner Medicine Training. The first step is Sacred Living with the Four Directions and Power Animals coming up October 11. Hope you join us!