Sitting in the empty space where my sons both spent years, one after the other for a decade, I hear and feel their echoes. The things they kept secret all lie in this space. Their growing pains, their heartbreaks, their loneliness, their self care, their thoughts about themselves, their determination to overcome, their successes, their moments shared with beloveds, their laughter with friends. It’s all in this space where they used to live.
I’m allowing myself to feel it all…all the things kept secret from me as their mother. All the private discoveries and sacred moments of self becoming. It’s my last real connection to the mystery of who my sons were behind this door, in this room. It’s a place of grief for all that was kept at arms length when what I truly desired was to be included in it all. Even the darkest shittiest stuff.
So much of importance happened inside these four walls. These walls held my beloved sons in as much safety as I could muster as a single mother, and then with my partner A Akeem.
I’m feeling my regret at opportunities missed for connection and understanding, witnessing and support. And I know from this course of mother mastery that I always offered help, and that help is only received when wanted.
In the last few years, the simplest things that others take for granted — like family pictures — didn’t happen because they wouldn’t happen willingly…and I’ve learned not to force.
Love can’t be forced.
Love is patient and kind, compassionate and accepting.
I’ve learned so much on my mother journey.
And now it’s time to reclaim this space for who lives here now and create beauty with it.
I’m glad this space will become a room for healing and bodywork. I’m glad the very presence of my beloved partner doing healing in this room will help to heal the space in my heart and my home that my sons have left.
Mothers don’t usually share the pain of what happens when the children leave, like so many other painful experiences mothers don’t usually share. It’s usually left up to the mystery, a sacred discovery and a deepening of self for the woman called to the marathon of motherhood.
I feel called to share what I’m going through, and I hope it serves in the highest.
There’s nothing amiss. All is as it should be. And still, I can grieve the ending of a very sacred chapter in my relationship with my sons.
